By |
Figuring out if your senior loved ones can remain at home unassisted can be trickier than you think. One day they might seem perfectly capable and fine; the next, they might make you wonder why in the world you thought they were okay. And that’s before you add in the difficult situation of telling your parent you want to discuss their ability to be independent – that is almost certain to open the proverbial can of worms.
Adult children often find themselves in this dilemma. The first step is to figure out if your parent can be left fully alone. Here are some questions that can help you determine if your parents can remain independent or need you to step in at some level. As you go through these questions, remember to look at them as objectively as you can. That can be tough – after all, these are your parents! You want the best for them. That can make you understandably emotional during those days when you are trying to figure out what “the best” looks like.
1. Are they managing the necessary activities of day to day living?
The activities of daily living, known as ADLs, are necessary to functioning as an independent person. According to the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, these activities include:
· Bathing
· Dressing
· Getting in and out of bed (or a chair)
· Using the toilet
· Eating
· Walking1
If they have trouble with any of these, they may not be able to continue living independently. This might mean that they can stay in their own homes, but that they will need caregiving help on a daily basis to make sure they are as healthy and safe as possible.
Observe your parent. Is their hair neat and brushed? Are they always dressed appropriately? Are their clothes clean and washed? Can they eat and drink as they used to? Can they get up and move around with confidence? If the answers to any of those questions concern you, it might be time to have the talk about some level of in-home care.
2. Are they able to safely drive a car?
“Safely” is the key word here. Almost anyone can drive a car, but can they keep it between the lines? Can they stop at stop signs and red lights? Can they understand an intersection? Have you wondered if it’s time to ask for the keys?
If they have had accidents in the past several months or even minor issues that indicate trouble with driving, it’s time to have a serious discussion about driving. That’s especially true if they have wound up in bad situations such as forgetting where they were going or how to get home.
If they can’t safely drive a vehicle, they might not make it to their doctor’s appointments or be able to run necessary errands. In that case, they will need help with transportation, but they still might be able to live independently in their own home.
3. Have they lost weight?
Though weight loss can be a natural part of aging, losing too much weight too quickly could be a sign something is wrong. They might not be eating enough for a wide variety of reasons. It’s important to get to the bottom of those reasons, not just to improve their health, but to make sure they are safe at home.
Ask how they are feeling. Are they having trouble eating? Are there any dental issues that need attention? How’s their digestive system feeling? Is there any food they are craving? Are they able to prepare meals? If not, how are they getting nourished each day?
Mention that they’ve lost weight lately and you’re concerned. Ask if they have seen their doctor to rule out anything serious – and if they haven’t, follow up on that to make sure they do. Stress that you are very concerned for their well-being.
4. Can they cook safely for themselves?
One reason for weight loss might be the inability to prepare meals for themselves. Can they cook as effectively as they used to? Are they having any trouble in the kitchen? This could mean anything from forgetting the oven is on to being unable to handle knives or open jars the way they used to.
Look into the refrigerator. Is there expired food in there? Not much food compared to the last time you visited? Does it look like they’ve been using the oven or stovetop? Is their kitchen nice and neat? Make note of any areas of concern and make a point of following up.
5. Are they socially active?
If they have a nice social circle, that indicates that they are getting out of the house on a regular basis – or they are inviting friends over. Either way, it’s another set of eyes on them, and those friends can sound the alarm if they notice anything wrong.
Unfortunately, as a person begins to age and loses the ability to do things independently, they can begin to isolate themselves from family and friends. That might be especially true for those with dementia or other chronic conditions, who feel as though they might be a “burden” to others. If your parent has always been a social butterfly but now seems to retreat back into their cocoon, there could be an underlying issue you haven’t discovered yet.
6. How are they walking?
Falls are one of the biggest worries for seniors and the elderly. And while a fall alert pendant or necklace can work wonders to provide safety and security, remember that once an elderly person falls, their odds of falling again double. And to make matters worse, only about half of those who suffer a fall tell their doctors about it, according to the CDC.
In addition, falls are the number-one cause of traumatic brain injury, as well as a driver in hip fractures and other significant injuries.2 To say that falling down is a big deal for seniors is an understatement!
If they are having trouble getting around the house, now is the time to gift them with a medical alert pendant or watch. A medical alarm with fall detection is even more peace of mind, as the fall sensors in the device can detect a fall and alert a 24/7 monitoring center on their behalf the moment it happens.
7. How’s their memory?
Everyone forgets things from time to time, no matter the age. But as we get older, the episodes of forgetting become more frequent. And for some of us, there comes a time when the problem goes beyond basic forgetfulness and turns into something more.
Forgetting where they put their keys is no cause for alarm. Forgetting how to get home from the grocery store, however – that’s a different story.
Look for shifts in personality or behavior that could indicate emerging dementia. If they are suddenly not only forgetting more things but doing things that are out of character, they could be dealing with more than old-age woes. If you notice anything concerning about their memory, ask them to see the doctor and give some serious thought to whether they can remain in their home alone.
8. Is their home safe?
Home modifications are a great way to ensure that your parent can stay in their home for longer. Rather than seeing things like wheelchair ramps or better lighting as a harbinger of age, look at them as a way to expand the golden years and make them much more comfortable.
To that end, identify places in the home that need some work. For instance, non-skid flooring can help those who have difficulty walking and handrails on all the stairs as well as along long hallways can help them stay upright. Adding grab bars to the bathroom or a heightened toilet seat can make the bathroom safer.
Be sure to include things that have nothing to do with age or ability but rather have a focus on safety, such as gifting them with carbon monoxide detectors or safety panels for the stovetop.
And of course, an emergency alert system should be in your safety-first arsenal. This ensures that if anything goes wrong, your parent can press the button alert to get the help they need. It provides excellent peace of mind for both of you!
9. Are they taking care of their health?
Taking their meds on time is vitally important to senior whole health. It’s also important to make sure they are doing the other things necessary to handle a chronic illness. For example, those with arthritis might need physical therapy, while those with diabetes need to check their blood sugar several times a day. Are they doing these things, and do they have the supplies they need to do so?
There are ways to help improve senior health while they stay in the comfort of their own home. A medication dispenser and organizer can ensure they take the proper meds and dosage when they should. A clear schedule of doctor’s appointments can help keep health issues on track. But if it reaches a point where day-to-day care of chronic conditions is too much, it’s time to step in.
10. What are their sleeping habits like?
Getting enough sleep keeps you healthier. That’s a fact that everyone knows, but what isn’t as well-known is just how badly sleep deprivation can hit after only a single night of restless sleep.
According to Sleep Review Magazine, women who slept for less than five hours each night were 25% more likely to suffer a fall. Interestingly, the same was true for the other side of the spectrum – those who routinely got at least 10 hours of sleep were just as likely to fall as those who didn’t get much sleep at all.3
In addition to an increased risk of falls, trouble sleeping can translate into depression, low mood, anxiety, and even emotional outbursts. Doing everyday tasks can feel impossible when a person is so drained. If they aren’t sleeping well, consider if leaving them alone is a good idea.
11. Can they handle finances?
This is tricky to answer, because many adult children don’t learn about their parent’s finances until things take a downward turn. But there are some clues as to what is going on.
Are they getting late notices for bills? Are they letting the mail sit for days without opening it, including the official-looking things? Are they suddenly struggling to pay for the basic things and fretting about how to afford day-to-day life?
Being unable to handle finances might be an early sign of dementia, one that shows up well before an official diagnosis is made. That’s because dementia affects judgment and the ability to solve problems. The result is that even someone who was a strong financial steward their entire life might suddenly wind up in a serious financial bind.
If they can’t handle their finances, it’s time to look into what else might be on the downswing. They might not be capable of living alone anymore.
12. What is their mood like?
How they are handling life in general can say a great deal about how they will do in the coming weeks and months. Are they happy and positive? Do they have a zest for life? Someone who has a healthy mental outlook can usually count on being able to better handle hardship that comes their way.
But sometimes the signs a person is struggling are rather subtle. Look for agitation and irritability, trouble with comprehension or concentration, and excessive fatigue that seems to have no cause. Look also for the symptoms of depression, headaches, digestive issues, or chronic pain that seem to worsen.
These problems indicate a level of stress that might need some serious attention. Though this doesn’t indicate on its own whether they are safe to live alone at home, it does add to the list of concerns that might help you make that determination.
Having the conversation about getting older and needing more help can be quite a contentious one. Your parent probably already knows that they can’t do certain things on their own anymore, and even that minor loss of independence can be frightening. As a result, they might try to cover it up or overcompensate when you’re around in the hopes that you don’t see how aging has affected them. They’re not ready to deal with losing their independence – and who could blame them?
Broaching the subject can be difficult, but it is made easier if you have certain points to fall back on. Feelings are subjective, but facts are not. If you notice any problems as you work through the questions here, write down your concerns and back them up with what you actually know and observe.
Also take care in how you approach the conversation. Telling someone they must do something is entirely different than expressing concern about something. “You can no longer live alone” is much more difficult to swallow than “I’m concerned about what happens if you aren’t getting enough calories” or “I worry that you might get hurt while I’m away.”
As you contemplate whether your parent can continue living alone, make life easier on everyone with in-home or on-the-go medical alert systems for seniors. These lightweight, shower-proof devices offer long battery life and ease of use. All they have to do is press the button to get the help they need at any time, day or night. Safety is the top priority!
