By |
If your senior or elderly parents are resistant to change, you might have quite the dilemma on your hands when it’s time to talk to them about matters of aging. There could be many heated arguments about the very things they need to live safely. Any hint of something that threatens their independence – like hiring a professional caregiver – could immediately put them in defensive mode. Something as simple and affordable as a medical alert system with fall detection may be a true life-saver for parents who wish to age in place.
Taking tips from the business world might seem like a cold and calculated way to get your parents to agree to your requests to keep them healthier and safer, but it’s not. Rather, it’s an effective way to approach any tense discussion and help everyone find good solutions. Let’s look at the art of negotiation and how it can be a helpful tool for you when trying to focus on senior whole health for your parents.
Learning Strategies for Conflict Resolution
It might feel strange to treat a get-together with your parents like a business meeting, but researchers at Northwestern University have found that this approach just might work wonders.
In the business world, you take a very different approach than what you might take with family and friends. When you are talking with a colleague or even a competitor, there is a respectful give-and-take that allows both parties to come to an agreement. No one gets everything they want, but everyone gets enough to make them content. Then the parties move forward with a shared goal. There might still be tension in the atmosphere, but it has the potential to be productive rather than destructive.
Taking that mindset into a meeting with your parents can be incredibly helpful.
According to Fortune, experts at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine have developed training on negotiation and dispute resolution that is designed for those who work closely with the elderly every day, including health care managers, social workers, and other professionals. The researchers are currently developing training for family caregivers as well.1 The goal is to make conflict resolution an integral part of ongoing conversations with your aging parents about their evolving need for care.
Be Prepared for the Conversation
Just as if you were walking into a boardroom, you must prepare what you are going to say to your parents. Start by thinking through the situation as a whole and break it into bullet points to cover. Things to consider and prepare for are:
· What are the core issues that need to be discussed?
· How do you anticipate your parents will respond to the discussion?
· Why do you think they are taking that position?
· Are there other interested parties that could add to the discussion?
· What happens if an agreement isn’t reached during the talk?
Write down the answers to these questions. Sometimes seeing answers written down can help spark new ideas that help you move forward more effectively. This can also bring clarity on things that you’re not sure about. For instance, you might believe that your mother will react a certain way, but you don’t know for sure. Or you might believe that your father’s physician will be on “your side” of the negotiation over care, but you might be surprised to learn that they have some other option in mind.
It’s also a good idea to have some facts on your side. If you’re worried about your parents suffering from falls and the consequences that come after, tell them that the CDC says one in four older adults falls every year, and that falling once doubles the odds of falling again. And 20% of those falls can lead to very serious injury.2 Just as in the business world, sometimes it’s the cold, hard numbers that get results.
Where is the Common Ground?
Find where the needs and wants of everyone involved intersect. That’s your common ground.
For instance, you might all agree that your parents should remain independent for as long as possible. You might agree that they need to see friends and family more often. You might even agree on, or at least understand, their desire to not have a professional caregiver in their home.
Negotiating with someone means acknowledging the common ground and working from there to find a solution that keeps those agreements intact. For example, a parent who wants to remain independent might be willing to accept some home modifications and a personal alarm button to ensure they can stay in their home on their own for longer while still having access to emergency help 24/7.
Once you find the common ground, you can work from there. The goal is not to win; the goal is to expand upon the common ground while finding an appropriate solution that makes everyone comfortable. Remember, in a negotiation, everyone gets a little bit of what they want, and that turns into an acceptable compromise.
Approach the Situation with Curiosity
It can be easy to assume that you know what your parent will say or why they will take that position. But instead of assuming, ask questions.
For instance, if your mother says she doesn’t want to stop driving her car even though she’s not confident on the road anymore, ask her why. Her initial reaction might be a stubborn one. “Because I don’t want to stop driving!” But when you persist with asking why, you will eventually come to the root of the problem. “I’m afraid of being isolated, I’m worried about being a burden, and I don’t want to lose my independence.” Once you have those answers, you can really get somewhere!
Questions such as asking your parent what they need to be happier and healthier, can go a long way toward getting them to open up. Asking “why” or “why not” can give them some food for thought and can give you valuable insights. An air of curiosity can prevent you from the temptation to lay down the law (“you need assisted living and that’s all there is to it”) and shows your parents that you’re truly paying attention, which can then elicit even more responses that give insight into what they’re really thinking.
If things do get contentious, stay calm and remind them of the common ground. “Everyone wants to see you healthy and happy” or “I worry about you and need to make sure you’re okay.”
Never Lash Out
Yes, this is going to be a frustrating journey, but it’s vitally important to not let things go off the rails. Shouting matches in any boardroom are rare, as raised voices indicate that talks are breaking down and no one wants that. Try to keep that same energy when you come to the negotiating table with your elderly parents.
Talking about independence and the need for caregiving can become heated very quickly. Your parents want to keep their independence and when that is threatened, they can easily get defensive, stubborn, and protective. You want to ensure they are safe and healthy, which can sometimes be at odds with their need for independence. Seeing them push back against what you know they need can make you frustrated, confused, and even desperate.
Recognizing that you will likely feel this way is the first step toward keeping things calm. Just as you prepared questions for this conversation, prepare yourself emotionally for the tension that will probably arise and consider ways to stay calm.
Think Outside the Box
Some of the best strategies for businesses happen when the parties throw away any old-fashioned handbook and get creative. Asking questions is a great way to get there.
Rather than approach the overarching situation – such as “you need a professional caregiver and here’s why” – focus on attacking the problem from a different angle. “Let’s come up with ten ways to make this house safer for you.” That not only opens the door to modifying the home for safety but also gives your parents a strong say in what they want their day-to-day life to look like.
Maybe they don’t want to move to assisted living. Perhaps they don’t want you to come into their home to be a full-time caretaker for them. If that’s the case, what can you do to keep them safe and secure? Maybe a medical alert device and a phone call every day will suffice. Perhaps a different style of furniture, such as lift chairs and hospital-style beds, could be another option. Sometimes several small solutions are just as good as one very large decision. Don’t be afraid to look at every angle, even if you find one that seems ridiculous.
Take a Break from the Discussion
Negotiations in business rarely come to a conclusion within a matter of hours. It takes weeks, months, or even years to reach an agreement. In the business world, this is fully expected. But when you take things personally, it’s human nature to want to see results right away.
Taking a step back and shelving the conversation might sometimes be the best thing for everyone. It can help prevent frustrations and allow for time to reflect on the things that were said. That little break from discussion allows for new ideas and figuring out how to bring them up.
In the meantime, you can work on anything that you agreed on already. For instance, if your parents are resistant to having you come to the house every day to check on them, they might accept the gift of a medical alert bracelet or wristband. This small compromise packs a big punch; they can reach out for help at any time, day or night, and that gives you both the gift of peace of mind.
Bring in a Third Party
What happens if you’ve talked about the situation fully yet you have reached a true impasse?
Maybe you’ve given them all the facts – like telling them that elderly deaths from falls have increased by 60% over the past decade, according to the National Safety Council.3 Or that according to the U.S. Fire Administration, deaths from fire among seniors aged 65 and older has increased dramatically over the last 10 years as well. And maybe you’ve given them all the reasons why you want to help ensure they stay safe – not just the practical reasons, but the personal ones as well.
And still, they refuse to budge.
Sometimes the negotiations reach a standstill, and that’s when it’s time to call in a mediator. In the business world, this third party is tasked with looking at all the facts and coming up with a solution that is a true compromise.
When talking with your parents about their health and changes that need to happen, a third party might offer some clarity, new solutions, or at the very least, an expert opinion on where things stand. The best option might be an appointment with their doctors to discuss your concerns and hear a professional opinion.
For instance, if the doctor tells your parents that assisted living is the best option for them and lists the reasons why, they might be much more likely to listen. They might even have questions that they never brought up before or concerns that they never expressed. This relatively neutral third party can sometimes open the floodgates.
But also keep in mind that you might hear something different – the doctor might say that everything is fine and you’re going a bit overboard with your requests for your parents. If that’s the case, accept the opinion gracefully and continue to try to find solutions that will provide your parents with safety but also give you peace of mind, like an affordable, mobile medical alert with GPS and fall detection that can give everyone in the family some peace of mind.
