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Being a caregiver for a spouse, elderly parent or loved one requires certain skills. Having a boatload of compassion tops that list, in close running with lots of patience. Top-notch time management skills are a must. Staying organized also matters a great deal. And when things go wrong, the ability to stay calm and cool in the midst of a crisis is one of the most valuable traits a caregiver can have.
Is it any wonder so many caregivers are utterly exhausted?
The Cleveland Clinic reports that more than 60% of caregivers suffer from burnout.1 The symptoms of it are similar to what you might experience with depression or ongoing, unrelenting stress. And unfortunately, some of those symptoms of burnout – such as withdrawing from family or friends – can turn into a vicious cycle that makes the problem worse.
But there are other mistakes you might make that could sabotage your well-being as a caregiver. Do any of these apply to you?
1. You Don’t Find Time for Yourself
Many caregivers can feel entirely overwhelmed by the stress of the situation they’re in. About 4 in 10 caregivers told the Family Caregiver Alliance that their situation is “highly stressful” while another quarter of caregivers say that their situation is “moderate” in terms of stress.2
It makes sense that the more stressful the situation is, the more time you need for yourself to recoup and recover. The problem lies in finding time to do the things you must do for yourself when one’s caregiving responsibilities are so overwhelming that every minute of every day seems devoted to them.
In fact, some caregivers might find it almost impossible to find time for a simple shower, much less a long walk in the park to clear their head.
The importance of making time for yourself can’t be understated. To find that time, you might have to get creative in how to carve out those extra hours. Hiring in-home help is one of the best ways to ensure you can have some time for yourself. Opting for respite care is another. If there is an adult day care in your area and your loved one qualifies, get them enrolled.
If money is an issue, look for volunteer organizations that can help. Talk to doctors, social workers, or local churches about places that might offer assistance for free or very low cost. When friends and family ask how they can help, ask them for something that will give you free time. Perhaps someone could cook dinner for you one evening while you step out for a walk or simply tuck into bed for a much-needed nap.
You can even buy yourself a little time and relief by gifting your loved one with an emergency alert system. Knowing that your spouse or parent can reach out for help at any time allows you the luxury of a little extra time for yourself. Perhaps you can get a long shower without worrying about what happens if you can’t hear their calls over the sound of the water. Maybe you can run an errand without concern about what happens if you’re out. Alert1’s trained professionals are there around the clock at the press of a button.
Self-care is not selfish. Self-care is essential. Do whatever it takes to find the time to do the things you need to do for you. It will make you a happier person and a better caregiver.
2. You Push People Away
When you have limited emotional energy, interacting with others can seem more like a chore than a joy. You might be deeply mired in the difficulties of your situation and wonder why in the world anyone would want to hear about it.
And when friends and family ask what they can do to help you, turning them down might be your default. It can be really tough to reach out, and even tougher to admit how difficult reaching out is when you’re overwhelmed. But by not accepting help from the well-meaning individuals around you, you are isolating yourself even further, which can make burnout much worse.
How do you break free of that cycle? Start by making a list.
What are some small things you would love for someone else to do for you? Focus on things that will bring you joy or free up a bit of your time.
It could be as simple as asking someone to sit with your parent for an hour or two while you do something for yourself. It could be a little more elaborate, such as asking them to pick up a few necessities at the grocery store. Maybe they could come to your home and declutter alongside you as you talk about things and reconnect with them.
Keep that list handy and when someone asks you what they can do for you, don’t say “Thank you, but I’m fine.” Instead, tell them that you’re struggling and ask them for a clear favor.
Remember: You are loved. Let them show you.
3. You Criticize Yourself
Everyone wants to do a good job at caregiving. You’re taking care of someone you love very much, and that comes with some pretty high stakes. When things are going right and you have everything in order, you can feel quite confident that yes, indeed, you’ve got this!
But when things take a downturn, you can sink into a hole of negativity.
Everyone falls short sometimes, and when that happens, one of the worst things you can do is beat yourself up about it, and then your self-esteem and confidence sink lower from there. Then you wind up feeling shame or anxiety because you’re upset at yourself for being overwhelmed. This is a vicious cycle that is often a part of serious burnout.
Negative self-talk feeds itself. According to Psychology Today, once you get caught in the negative cycle, almost all of your thoughts become tinged with darkness. The average person has between 12,000 and 60,000 unique thoughts each day. Some of these are very fleeting, while others keep your attention for a while. But did you know that when you are under severe stress, about 80% of those thoughts are negative? And about 95% of those thoughts repeat in the following days.3
This is where a journal comes in handy. Studies have shown that when you write down negative feelings, you can release them much more easily. And if you write down positive things – such as a list of five things to be thankful for each day – your self-talk gradually improves.
And this is incredibly important, not just for you, but for the people around you. The more negativity you feel, the more that will radiate to others, even if you are trying to remain upbeat and positive for their sake.
When you catch yourself with a negative thought, try to turn it around. Sometimes this can be done through thought alone, and sometimes actions can help. A good example of this is a fall alert for your spouse or parent to wear at all times. Now when the intrusive worries pop in and you think about the person you love being alone and unable to get help, you can refute that thought with the fact that yes, they can get help. All they have to do is press a button. It’s really that easy.
Those new, more positive thoughts will eventually change your outlook. It won’t happen overnight, but with diligence and attention to your thoughts, it will happen!
4. You Try to Control Everything
When we’re feeling positive about life, we can look for creative ways to tackle problems. But when we’re feeling negative, one of the first “remedies” we reach for is trying to control the problem rather than work through the problem. That’s an important distinction.
As a caregiver, your flexibility is a key to success. It can be tough to remain flexible and open to new ideas when you are so overwhelmed by the situation you’re in. That’s when you must take a deep breath and look objectively at what you’re doing. Are you being stubborn because you’re trying to hold onto control? Are you being controlling of the situation because you don’t have any other answers or potential routes to take?
Sometimes the answers will present themselves if you let go enough to allow new ideas to flow in.
Is your loved one having so much trouble walking that it’s tough to run errands in a timely manner? In that case, turn to a scooter or even a comfortable wheelchair to push them around while you do what you need to do.
Has their fear of falling contributed to them needing you closer to them than usual, all the time? Medical alert systems for seniors can be your saving grace.
Are they upset about their condition and their lack of independence? Thinking outside the box and finding new ways for them to handle tasks around the house can give them a better sense of well-being.
The Bottom Line
Caregiving is a challenge, not just because of the basics of day-to-day life in caring for your loved one, but also in the changes that happen as you settle into the journey. Things you have relied upon your entire life – like your own self-reliance and abilities to get things done in a timely manner – can be turned upside down.
And though it’s easy to say “just roll with the punches,” it’s pretty hard to actually put that into practice.
So give yourself some grace. No one has an easy caregiving journey, no matter how it might appear from the outside. Remind yourself that for every happy smile you see on the face of a caregiver, there is an ocean of worry and trouble just below the surface. Recognize that in others – and then give yourself the courtesy of recognizing it in yourself.
Take a deep breath and congratulate yourself today. You’re doing a hard thing. And though it might not seem like it all the time, in the end, caregivers are modern day superheroes.
