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Did you know that the vast majority of Americans will need long-term care, but very few have actually planned for it? The Administration for Community Living says that someone who is turning 65 today has a 70% chance of needing some type of long-term care in the coming years.1 That can range from help a few hours a week for basic tasks and the use of an emergency button alarm for 24/7 security to full-time care in an assisted living or nursing facility.
But for some seniors and elderly adults, it might look like moving in with their children or even their grandchildren. You might be surprised by how many wonderful benefits can come from sharing a home with your elderly parent or parents.
The Benefits of Multi-Generational Living
Multi-generational living has become more common in recent years. Each family has its own reasons for choosing to live with several generations under the same roof. Here are some of the most common.
· Watch over your parent. If you worry about what happens with your parent’s health if they live alone or with an aging spouse, moving them into a home with you can alleviate that problem. You can opt for a medical alert pendant to help keep them safe and secure when you’re out of the home during the day, perhaps as you go to work or run errands. That way, they are always within easy reach of assistance, whether you are right there with them or not. The peace of mind can be heavenly!
· Save money. If your parent lives under the same roof as you, they are likely giving up their home, which means only one mortgage to worry about. There’s also the money you save by avoiding assisted living. According to the Genworth Cost of Care report, the median cost of an assisted living facility in the United States was $4,500 per month, or $54,000 per year.2 Given that high cost of care, you’re definitely saving money by having your parent live with you.
· More quality time between family members. When your parent lives with you, it’s a boon for the kids in the family. Not only do you get some help with raising the children, you also get to watch your parent and your child interact in ways that they might not have the opportunity for if they lived apart. From teaching them to cook mouth-watering family recipes to learning about family history they had no idea existed, there are many beautiful gifts your elderly parent can bring to the rest of the family.
· Home safety modifications benefit everyone. Part of the point of having your senior parent live with you is to enhance their safety and your peace of mind. Some small home modifications, such as grab bars in the bathroom or hand-held showerheads, can help keep everyone in the home safer. In fact, once you’ve made some aging-in-place changes, you might wonder how in the world you lived without them for so long!
In many countries, multi-generational living is the norm rather than the exception. In the United States, however, the spirit of independence often means that we opt out of living with extended family. After the kids are grown up and out of the house, the most common living arrangement for adults in North America is living with a spouse or living alone, according to a report by the United Nations.3
So it makes sense that when the time comes to figure out how to handle living arrangements for a parent who can no longer live on their own, it can be tough to think about how it will work if they move into your space (or if you move into theirs). Once you start planning it, there could be times when you wonder what in the world you were thinking! Fortunately, there are ways to make living together smoother sailing.
Making Living Together Easier
If you’re thinking about living with your elderly parent, there are some practical considerations. Can you afford the added expenses? Can your parent contribute to the household funds? Do they need specialized care or require more space than you have available? Will they bring pets with them?
Once you’ve figured out the basic logistics and realities of the situation and decide that you can move your parents into your home (or vice versa), the adjustment period begins. Here are some tips to make it work and keep everyone’s sanity at the same time.
Expect Some Adjustment Time
You might have plenty of experience with your parent being in your home for a few days or even weeks at a time. But until now, they would come for a visit and then you would have your home all to yourself again. When those first few weeks pass, it sinks in for everyone that this is a long-term situation.
That can lead to some friction. For many years, your parent has lived in a certain way, and so have you. If there is a clash in lifestyle, it can turn into frustration, stress, or even a serious problem.
Give yourself and your parent some grace – settling in with anyone takes some time. This is especially true when the parent/child relationship shifts and the child becomes the one taking care of the parent. You are all settling into new roles. Give everyone plenty of time to get adjusted to the new structure.
Create Special Spaces for Everyone
Everyone needs to be alone from time to time. The space to be alone can be tough to find when the house is full of people. It’s very important to create a space in the home that is “all yours” and “all theirs.”
This might be as simple as a particular recliner that you sit in every evening or a reading nook in the corner of a room. Or perhaps it’s a bedroom upstairs, where your parent can shut the door and no one bothers them. Creating private spaces for each person in the household can help everyone better manage having so much togetherness.
Set Healthy Boundaries and Routines
Boundaries are important in any relationship, including those with an elderly parent. This becomes even more important as you settle into living under the same roof.
What sort of boundaries should you set? Everyone having their own private space is one of them. Another might be that you get 30 minutes of uninterrupted quiet time when you get home from work. Or perhaps it pertains to rules about disciplining the children – your parent might think a certain way is best, but you have your own style of parenting, and you prefer to keep your own rules in place.
Setting boundaries is meant to provide everyone with clear expectations and create as much harmony as possible.
The same goes for routines. Young children and elderly individuals thrive on routines. Try to make those routines sync up as best you can, knowing this might take compromise.
For instance, if your parent has eaten their breakfast at 6 A.M. every day of their lives, and you and the children usually have breakfast at 6:30 A.M., you can make some adjustments. In this case, you might gradually move your breakfast time back until you reach 6 A.M. and can have breakfast together as a family. That sets a new routine that benefits everyone.
Keep a Shared Calendar
When everyone has busy schedules, things can get confusing. The last thing you want to do is forget to pick your child up from soccer practice because your parent had a doctor’s appointment that ran long.
Invest in a large calendar that will fit on the wall in a prominent place. Do this in whatever way works for you – it might be a paper calendar where you can write on the months to come, or it might be a whiteboard where you can create calendars as you see fit. The goal is to have a central place where everyone can see the schedule with a simple glance.
Get Help with Caregiving
As your parent gets older, you might find your time stretched thin. Most seniors need more help as they age, and that might mean that within a few years, you find yourself taking on more hours of caregiving than you expected at first.
Roll with that by carving out time for yourself. This might mean choosing respite care to allow you to take time away from home, or leaning on friends or family members to help with some day-to-day things. When someone asks how they can help, have a few ideas ready – for instance, asking someone to bring dinner to the house one night will give you a break and provide them with a task they can feel really good about.
This is also where an alert system for elderly adults and seniors can come in handy. If you worry about your parent being home alone while you take some time for yourself, a medical alert device can help alleviate that concern.
You can be assured that your parent can simply press a button in the event of emergency. They don’t have to worry about fumbling with a phone and trying to remember the right number to call, or even getting to the phone at all – an especially helpful thing if they have fallen and can’t up.
And if they do need to press the emergency alert button, the trained professionals on the other end of the line can not only call emergency services, but can get in touch with you as well.
Talk to a Professional
There are many ways to make living under the same roof a big win for everyone involved. But even with your best efforts, sometimes it might be tough to figure out the new rules of the home.
This is when talking with a professional can help. That might be a professional counselor, your parent’s doctor, or even a social worker who is well-versed in issues concerning seniors and the elderly. A little help from a neutral party can provide new insights and help everyone get on track for a healthy, happy life thriving together in the same household.
