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Are you a family caregiver? Then maybe this sounds familiar…
It’s the middle of the night and you’re wide awake. It’s that dark and quiet hour when surely the rest of the world is asleep, but not you. Your mind won’t shut off long enough for you to get some rest. One moment you’re thinking about your schedule for the coming week. The next, you’re worrying about a problem that might or might not happen. Even counting sheep brings some level of anxiety.
Or you’re in the middle of your busy day. Worrisome thoughts keep intruding. What if your loved one falls down while you aren’t there? What if there is a medical emergency and you’re not around? (This is where an affordable alert for elderly adults can help.) What if they are lonely right now? What if they try to move that heavy desk by themselves? What if… what if…
You might end up settling on that one thing that bothers you most and really turn it over and over in your mind, like you’re trying to solve a mental Rubik’s Cube. You create scenarios in your head and try to figure out how you will handle them if they do come to pass.
What are you doing? You’re overthinking.
What is Overthinking?
According to GoodRx, overthinking is “when you repetitively dwell on the same thought or situation over and over to the point that it disrupts your life.” This might include ruminating about the past and what could have gone differently, or worrying about what is going to happen in the future.1
For caregivers, it’s often a lot of both: You might feel guilt or other negative emotions concerning things that happened a while ago. But it’s more likely that you are worrying about the future, including everything from tomorrow’s to-do list to what your life will look like years from now.
If you overthink everything, you’re likely slowly chipping away at your own physical and emotional health. Forbes Health notes that overthinking can lead to heightened anxiety, depression, and even eating disorders or an overuse of alcohol and other substances.
Many people who overthink are looking for solutions to problems that bring them great anxiety, but the overthinking can actually make the anxiety worse.2 And that traps you in a cycle of inaction, paralyzing you with indecision.
How can a caregiver break free of the overthinking cycle?
1. Let Go of the Past
Ruminating on things that happened long ago – things you can do absolutely nothing to change – are a waste of time and energy. But it’s hard to remember that when memories and thoughts come roaring back and your brain demands that you examine them again and again.
In some ways, it makes sense. Your brain is looking for solutions that would change the outcome of what happened so that you won’t make the same mistakes in the future. But trying to find even more lessons in what happened can result in you never actually letting it go and moving forward. That takes away from the energy you need for today.
Decide that you will close the door on those thoughts. It will be tough to do, but when the thoughts come rolling in, immediately tell yourself “STOP” and do something to distract yourself from them. You’ve spent enough time on the past – now it’s time to move forward and do the best you can with what you have today.
2. Replace Negativity with Positivity
When we start to overthink things, it almost always takes on a negative slant, especially when we are thinking about something difficult that might happen in the future. The “what if” scenarios tend to skew toward the bad things that could happen and the good things are given only a passing thought.
This is something we all do. It’s called the negativity bias. Just as nature abhors a vacuum, when there is a blank space in your mind concerning any sort of situation, human nature fills that void with negativity. According to the American Psychological Association, negativity bias is so strong that it actually begins in early childhood. It tends to get worse as we get older.3
The key to easing that bias is to become very aware of it.
When you notice that you are thinking negative thoughts, stop that train by assigning a good thought to the scenario in your head. For instance, instead of saying “what if Mom gets hurt and I’m not there” you can switch that thought to “I’m going to get her an emergency button alert so she is protected and can get help right away if anything happens.”
By doing this, you aren’t only stopping negativity. You’re also ditching the overthinking and replacing it with problem solving. That simple change moves you forward into solutions that you may not have considered when you were dwelling on the negativity.
3. Prepare for What You Can
As a family caregiver, you know that things can change in an instant. A bad fall while getting out of the shower, a tough diagnosis based on the latest labs, and even a sudden flare-up of a chronic condition can lead to immediate changes in how the future looks.
Start planning right now for what may lie ahead. The more prepared you are, the less likely you are to have those sleepless nights. In order to avoid overthinking, schedule a set amount of time each week to plan and only plan within that time frame. Limiting your planning time will help to prevent negative thoughts and anxieties from overloading you. Try these things:
· Get a binder and start putting everything about your loved one in there. This is the place to keep notes on doctor visits, prescriptions, physical therapy guidelines, and even exercise and nutrition information. Have a list of phone numbers and contact information in there too.
· Take steps to eliminate the worries. For instance, worrying about something bad happening to your loved one when you aren’t around can be alleviated with some home modifications that make it safer for them to age in place and a medical alarm that ensures they can reach out for help at any time.
· Talk to their doctor about what to expect in the future. Be very realistic. For example, if your loved one has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s, what does that progression look like? Is there any sort of timeline you should expect to see when it comes to worsening symptoms? What are some ways you can prepare for that now?
· If you’re worried about finances, talk to a financial advisor and a tax professional. They can give you a clear picture of what you might expect. Remember, your mind will fill a void with negativity, so knowing as much information as possible can help you rest easier.
4. Take Care of You
It’s been said again and again, but it bears repeating: You cannot pour from an empty cup. And overthinking is one of the fastest ways to exhaust your energy.
When you are overthinking, you are too far into your own head. It helps to get those thoughts out.
Pick out a nice journal and a luxurious pen, then pour your worries onto the page. Those worries can become less of a burden as you let them go onto the paper. Or consider talking to a professional counselor who will give you a sounding board and potentially some very helpful advice on how to stop overthinking in its tracks.
Remember that overthinking contributes to depression and anxiety. Those two conditions can then lead to even more overthinking, and that can turn into an awful spiral. If you’re suffering from depression and anxiety, talk to your doctor about what is going on and get help now.
There’s another point to ponder, which is that overthinking can lead to physical ailments as well. While the connection to mental health is well documented, studies have also found that overthinking can lead to muscle aches, significant fatigue, headaches, digestive problems, and more. The longer these problems continue, the worse you feel, and that gives you yet another thing to worry about.
And finally: Go easy on yourself. Being a caregiver can be incredibly rewarding, but it can also be one of the most difficult things you will ever do. No one is perfect. No one makes the right decision 100% of the time. You will make mistakes. But you will overcome them, learn from them, and become better every day.
You’re doing one of the greatest acts of love there is. Take a deep breath and give yourself some well-deserved grace.
